Why Won't I Do The Things That Are Good For Me? : a monologue of sorts

I’m sure everyone could relate to this feeling at some point in your life -the feeling of accepting complacency rather it in be in your academic or professional career. That feeling how it keeps itching at you until you are annoyed at yourself because you have the potential and talent but sometimes lack the discipline. During the peak of my feelings for accepting complacency, a monologue of sorts came about. And hopefully, someone can gain something from my impromptu self-reflection.

I don’t know why I don’t want to do things that are good for me. Some say it’s because I lack discipline, and I need that when my well of motivation runs dry, but maybe it’s because although it sounds good in theory, I have too much self-doubt to think anything I do could ultimately be great. Maybe it’s because I know there will be more issues rather perfection. And that scares me. Does consistency scare me?

Or maybe I’m just not ready? Because if I was wouldn’t I have don’t it already. Or maybe it’s just a case of procrastination? I don’t want to label myself a -procrastinator because there is power in your tongue right? But if not that then what is it? Why do I hesitate to do things that would be good for me? Is it because I am comfortable with scrolling on my phone laughing instead of investing in my soul? Is it because when I have to look at my soul and reflect on my life that scares me too?! Is it because aim avoiding the truth and I would rather live in my version of reality? What is it? Why do I hesitate to read the Lord’s scripture or do my devotional? Why do I wait to the last minute to do my assignments? Is it because I find comfort in the thrill of waiting until the last minute for homework? Nahhh that’s too much stress. Maybe I’m just lazy. No, If I was lazy, I wouldn’t have accomplished all that I have.

So why won’t I do the things that are good for me so I can accomplish more? For me, sometimes I just won’t be in the mood. Sometimes I am and I still won’t do it. When it comes to seeking the Lord, it’s my reluctance to fully commit to Jesus that keeps me from doing what I know in my heart I should do. I want the best of both worlds. The worldly world that culture is pushed by and the world with all Jesus has promised me and I can’t have both. I have to sacrifice one or the other. In my heart, I know Jesus has greater things for me beyond what I can imagine. But in order to truly commit to him, that means giving up short term pleasures for long term rewards. My verse of the day on January 8, 2020, in Romans 8:18 said ““Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.” Romans 8:18 NLT” Perhaps I understand the message with my mind, but I struggle believing and committing to it in my heart.

And as far as school assignments and other obligations go? Maybe I’m just not passionate about it In the first place? My mom says I’m too nonchalant about things that matter? She was not the only one who said that. Maybe I just truly don’t give a fuck. Lol no I know I care, sometimes at least. Am I waiting for the perfect idea or it simply a case of wanting to enjoy today’s pleasures and tomorrow’s as well, without having to use too much brainpower.

Maybe it’s my outlook that I need to change, I know what I should be doing yet I don’t do it. Maybe it’s a lack of self-love, not in terms of looks but holistically because doing the things that are good for me in the long run but may restrict my time for short term pleasure shouldn’t be draining at all. It should be refreshing. Of course, I want to laugh while I’m on Instagram or Twitter and it’s okay if I do. But at cost? Don’t let it cost you the entire day and at the end of it you have not grown internally or accomplished something on your checklist. Love yourself enough to get the job done. Love yourself enough to sacrifice short term pleasure for the long term rewards. Love yourself enough to know that you are enough, and you are doing enough- so it’s okay to take a break!

-Until Next Time,

A’Shiah N. Rachel